My Brain

I’m trying to get organized and focused on what I need to do to get ready for the tour. Chet is really busy with his school and job(s) but we exchange notes every day. It is starting to dawn on me how really big this job of doing a successful comedy tour is going to be. It seems like I need to do so many things, it’s hard for me focus OR get organized. I know from experience that when you’re trying to achieve something big, it’s important to make a list then focus on one thing at a time. That way you don’t get overwhelmed. But I am so A.D.D., I sometimes can’t even focus long enough to make that list. I just keep jumping from one thing to the other.

I’m blaming my brain. I can't help but think that, even at my age, my brain should be working better than it is. As bad as it is, I'm amazed I could even think THAT! What was that person's name again? The one who's shorter than me and has the same last name as me and follows me around in the house? Why am I wearing this condom? Where did I leave that brand new can of Spaghettio's? Huh, brain? Where the hell you been? And why in the hell did I dream last night that I won a brand new Ford Focus? It’s my dream! Why didn't I dream I won a Dodge Viper or at least a one of those new Dodge Caravans?

My brain just won't listen to me! My other body parts listen to me. Kidneys keep filtering crap so I can pee, my lungs work whether or not I tell them too, my pancreas does whatever pancreases do. I don't get why my brain thinks it can do whatever it wants. I mean, it's definitely not a team player.

If I want to take my comedy to the next level, I need to get more results out of my brain. So, I had a talk with it. I sat it down and said, "Look, brain, you work for me. So, either you shape up and fly right or you're history! I mean it! The next time I dial a number on the phone and you forget who I was calling, you're fired! I'm getting a new brain. (and by the way, thanks, Brain, for the immediate reminder that I'm a stupid idiot by telling me no one "dials" phone numbers anymore!)".

I'm starting to think its all my fault. I let my brain hang out with the wrong crowd. When I was young, I let it spend too much time watching television. It used to get me in trouble in my class when it was daydreaming. When it was time to take the quizzes, I would ask it for the answers and it would just sit there in silence forcing me to cover for it by making up stuff. I muddled my way through the multiple choice and it was easy to bullshit my way through the essay questions, but when it came down to the fill-in-the-blank questions, my brain was the one that was blank! The asshole!

Then, when I was a teenager, I started smoking pot. That’s when my brain really got off the leash. It started thinking "outside the box". It started asking questions like, "Why do we have to live by society's rules ... man?", and "If a tree falls in the forest, does Schrodinger's cat secretly love its mother?" Huh? Have another puff of ganja you dirty hippie! You can't even think your way out of the paper bag you're using to quiet the anxiety attack you're making me have because you're so fricking high!

Now I'm finally at an age where I'm supposed to be enjoying my life and I can't remember why I came. My brain just keeps telling me to turn on the weather channel or check my Facebook page. Did somewhat just mention me on Twitter? I think i heard my Tweetdeck chirp. Chocolate chip cookies and milk sound good to me right now.

... I'm sorry what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, the comedy tour. We seem to have gotten a good reaction to the "Cheeseburgers of Comedy" idea. So, at least we have gotten this far. I think I need to be the one to decide what's next. My brain sure isn't going to do it.

Stu Baker's Brain